Biggest Movie Disappointments of the Decade
Happy MLK, Jr Day! I’ve decided to follow up my Best Science Fiction Films of the Decade list with a different kind of list – the biggest disappointments!
To clarify, disappointments meaning big buildup with very little payoff. Very little. The kind of movie you see a trailer for and think ‘Hey, that looks pretty good!’, then you see it and get physically angry at the trailer for lying to you and spit on the theatre while walking to your car. It’s not the same as the worst movies, though the two can overlap. And things like Fantastic Four don’t count, because you knew well ahead of time that it featured the acting talents of Jessica Alba and Chris Evans. Nor does Star Wars II or III count, because the previous decade had offered us The Phantom Menace, which should have prepared you and sufficiently lowered your expectations for subsequent films.
You may think I’m limiting myself to science-fiction based on this list and my previous one, but I suppose the reason for a scifi-heavy disappointments list is that I tend to expect a lot more from that particular genre. And when scifi lets down, it really lets down. Behold…
Watchmen (2009)
Watchmen, you had the makings of something really interesting, but oh how you squandered it by remaining so faithful to your source material that you contained no surprises at all.
It’s not that Alan Moore’s graphic novel Watchmen wasn’t a fascinating story – it was. It certainly ditched many of the tropes of the genre (while reveling in others) and was one of the first real examinations of a superhero as something other than heroic. It’s just that it doesn’t work as a movie, something Moore has said all along. Everything looks ridiculous. The violence is so over the top that it’s, well, comic. The music cues were obvious and overbearing. The sex scene, oh lordy, I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. Malin Ackerman is like an albatross around the neck of any scene that might have otherwise worked. She’s truly terrible.
In all fairness, part of the problem is the material. To paraphrase Jessica Rabbit: “I’m not bad, I’m just written that way.” Alan Moore’s strong suit is tackling heavy political and philosophical concepts, not writing strong female characters. He tends to fall on the traditional comic heroine crutches, like rape and prostitution. Silk Spectre II (nor the original) never feels like an honest-to-god human being. In fact, the most human character in the entire story is Dr Manhattan: a naked, blue superhuman god that lives on Mars. That should tell you something right off the bat. That, and the fact that someone at the poster design shop decided 300 was ‘visionary’.
The Matrix Sequels (2003)
I just can’t revisit that horror. Instead, I’ll offer this amusing gif:
The Simpsons Movie (2007)
What the hell Matt Groening? I mean, WHAT THE HELL? We waited something like 15 years for this movie, and you couldn’t even manage Season 12-level humor. For goodness sake man, you created Futurama! And the subsequent Futurama movies, which are 1200x funnier than the best joke in this movie. Actually, maybe that’s it. Maybe you used up all the good material on Futurama and thus had nothing left for the poor Simpsons. But if that’s the case, put those poor bastards out of their misery! I forced people to see this movie with me, and many of them threatened my life afterward. Several of them still don’t return my phone calls. A Spider-pig joke does not a funny movie make.
The League of Extraordinary Gentleman (2003)
Poor Sean Connery, how painful must it be for him to come to grips with the fact that THIS was his on screen swan song?
Dammit directors, when Alan Moore says his work can’t be made into film, you have a 50/50 chance of him being right. At least consider the possibility he’s onto something. But no, I’m sure you all think you’ll be the one that gets it right. Oh, everyone’s botched it before me, but I know what I’m doing. You poor, deluded fools.
This movie is full of good actors doing terrible, terrible things. Peta Wilson, you were in what was essentially the prequel to Alias, Le Femme Nikita. And you were awesome! Richard Roxburgh, you were the psychotic Duke in Moulin Rouge! Jason Flemyng, you’ve been in some really brilliant stuff as well as mindless material, but it was always entertaining, before now. Stuart Townsend…uhhh…you seem very nice. And Sean Connery, damn it all to hell, you were Sir James Bond for chrissakes! What were you all thinking? Well, I know what you were thinking, my wise old namesake, you were paid $17 million dollars. But the rest of you, for shame! You should compensate all those nice movies that could have been playing repeatedly on FX instead of you.
Lady in the Water (2006)
I know, M Night is a particularly easy target and thus expectations should be low. But believe it or not, I appreciate most of what he’s done. Even The Village – as much as it feels like a ‘been there, done that’ experience – had some interesting ideas in it. And the trailer looked pretty damn good! But this, oh dear. I know after The Village he wanted to distance himself from ‘the twist’ (though I’d argue Signs doesn’t really have a twist), but apparently his response to that was to make a movie that didn’t make sense at all, and made Paul Giamatti look embarrassed. I know it’s supposed to be a fairy tale, but aren’t most fairy tales supposed to serve as a morality tale? I have no idea what I’m supposed to take away from this story, other than I should always help naked women I find in my swimming pool. Actually, I guess that is a pretty good moral. Thanks M Night!
Planet of the Apes (2001)
This entire concept consisted of a relentless series of bad decisions. Like making Mark Wahlberg the Charlton Heston character. Seriously Tim Burton? You’ve made a habit of collaborating with actors like Michael Keaton, Johnny Depp, Martin Laundau, Christopher Lee and Jack Nicholson, and you choose Mark Wahlberg as your muse? Every time Wahlberg opened his mouth I thought I was watching an outer space version of Entourage, and that show hadn’t even been invented yet. So kudos on that.
When this was announced I thought maybe, just maybe, Tim would go back to Pierre Boulle’s original concept and have the apes living in a society far more advanced than ours. Alas, it was not so. Not that it couldn’t have worked anyway, but given the awful script and uneven tone, it was just another disappointment. Helena Bonham Carter (or is it Burton now?) and Tim Roth try their best to make it work, but they’re outgunned by crapitude.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
This should have been a sure thing. If fans could sit through Temple of Doom and still forgive Stephen Spielberg, then theoretically he should be incapable of doing wrong. Instead, this movie left fans pining for the days of Temple of Doom. That’s quite a feat!
Everything that could be done wrong on this movie was done. Right from the beginning, with the ridiculous and incredibly obvious digital prairie dog/groundhog/mole/random furry creature, you knew you were in for a real craptastic time. As I sat in the theatre and that CGI monstrosity popped up out of his dirt pile, I immediately felt that sinking feeling right in the pit of my stomach.
The thing is, the setup is solid. Moving forward to the 50s – good. Dealing with the march of time and its toll on Indy – good (though handled better in the very first film, honestly). Switching to Soviets as enemies – good. Heading to South America and dealing (admittedly in a very indirect way) with Mayan/Incan/Aztec origins – good. So what went wrong? It wasn’t, as is often postulated, the decision to have a plot involving aliens. Nope, sorry fanboys, in a series dealing with the supernatural and fantastic, aliens wasn’t exactly that much of a leap.
So what, exactly? I don’t know. Harrison Ford looks bored. Cate Blanchett (who I normally love) is somehow miscast. Karen Allen looks like she’s suffering from a botox accident, with her mouth constantly frozen in a horrific smile. Shia is…unnecessary. John Hurt? Blink and you’ll miss him. Nothing comes together. When Blanchett’s Spalko gets her comeuppance you should silently cheer, but you don’t. The bad guys always get their comeuppance in these films, but for some reason in this one it feels more perfunctory than ever.
Maybe it’s simply the fact that as far as Indy Macguffins go, the Crystal Skulls are kinda boring. You don’t really know what they’re for, other than they can melt your brain if you stare at them for too long. Just don’t stare at them, folks! Problem solved. Perhaps it’s just a matter of familiarity – the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail are so deeply ingrained in our collective consciousness that it’s nigh impossible to not be in awe of them. Maybe it’s just more fun to hate Nazis. Who knows? It’s awful, regardless of the specific reasons.
Spiderman 3 (2007)
Peter Parker forms a symbiotic relationship with evil space oil, and the worst thing that happens is he turns into a scenester douche? Actually, that is pretty horrible. Never mind.
I haven’t seen all of these movies, but man were League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and Watchmen awful. Too many of these types of fantasy movies fail. For all that do incredibly well, the ratio of bad to good has to be 1:10. They worry too much about effects and not much else (which really only worked with Avatar because of its absurd budget). Oh well.
Yeah, I’d argue those two are nigh unwatchable, even to pull an MST3K on.
btw I meant 10:1 haha